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Peter Mandelson commits suicide - Re-appointed to the cabinet as Blair's 'Minister for Hell'.

Peter Mandelson's bloody suicide last Tuesday left him in no position to request entry into heaven, having committed a deadly sin. That, and the public sympathy that he gained from slitting his wrists, made him the obvious choice for the new position of 'Minister for Hell' in Blair's cabinet.

It has long been assumed that a position in the cabinet would be found for Mandelson after he was forced to resign for a third time from his position as Minister for Northern Ireland , a position which required the kind of good relations with evil people that Mandelson was, at that point, not able to offer. Now, though, he has full access to Lucifer, Richard Nixon, and Margaret Thatcher at weekends.

Asked why he needed a minister for hell, Tony Blair responded:

'Let me give you an analogy. New Labour used to be the party for the working, and so we geared policy towards them. That was a very laudable goal, but sadly it left us on the political margins. In the late 90s, we realised that the middle classbasically supported us, and they would vote Labour if we just switched policy around a bit. It couldn't happen overnight of course. It took several ministers years to change our party from the grass roots, even if we were already leaning in the direction of the middle class and the centre ground.

Similarly, New Labour's policy used to be geared towards piousness, and so we really only needed to interact with heaven, which we did through the holy American President. Today, though, it has become apparent that a lot of the things we are doing equate to the stuff that's going on in hell. So a minister for hell was the obvious answer. Mandelson will be looking at what they do in hell that we may be able to copy. In hell they share our motto of tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime. Blair predicted that since he is now a creature of the night, changes in the party would in fact be enacted overnight.

'Tommorow, November 5th, we will begin by setting up huge fires around towns and cities. If the citizens of the UK do not protest, we shall presume that they support our move toward a more hellish Britain, and act accordingly. We think this is what the people of Britain want, and we would be very surprised if they didn't support us'.

Blair denied that the minister was in active negotiation with the Beelzebub for Blair to avoid torture in the afterlife by becoming Satan's right hand man.

N.B. This story was written the night before bonfire night. get it?

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