Man thrilled by revelations that allow him to understand What Goths Want - now able to better please goths.

A man from Devon claimed yesterday to now be able to hear the thoughts of Goths, finally helping him understand just what the fuck it is they want, following an incredible revalatory experience, Sunday.

He tells Smudged:'The company I work for was trying to coe up with an attractive advertising campaign for a well-known brand of Goth clothing', said Anthony Hooper, 36. 'Having always been a jock, I was struggling to come up with any ideas, so I went out and bought myself some Gothic products - a heavy metal necklace, a fuck lot of other jewellery, and a great big trench coat. Then I went and did what Goths do - I went outside and stood in a field drinking whiskey from a Coke bottle, in the middle of a thunderstorm'.

He continued:'Unfortunately, my metal jewellery attracted the lightning, and suddenly everything went dark'.

During this period, Mr Hooper was clinically dead, and doctors confirmed that the point at which he lost conciousness was 'almost certainly' when the lightning struck. He was later revived in Devon County Hospital, and at first didn't notice anything strange. However, after discharging himself, and while he was walking home, a Goth passed nearby.

Mr Hooper claims that this is when he realised something strange was going on:

'As he approached me, I began to hear a voice. The Goth was the only person around, so I presumed it was him talking until I noticed he wasn't moving his lips - then I realised -shit, I was reading his mind!'

Mr Hooper says he plans to use his new-found talent to establish greater empathy with the Goths who congregate every evening in the field near his house, although he admits it is 'pretty difficult to sleep at night', as he can hear every word they say until they retreat at around midnight.

Added Mr Hooper:'Maybe if I listen to what the Goths are thinking and give them what they want, I will be able to better appreciate Goths and not take them for granted any more. Hell, I might be able to establish some genuine friendships with some!'

Mr Hooper said that he had not yet heard any Goths thinking about how violent computer games and Marilyn Manson music made them want to shoot their fellow school pupils.

Wondering how to ingratiate yourself to a Goth? Anthony Hooper tells us What Goths Want:

• Longer teeth
• McDonald's. By the bucketload
• The girl/guy who everyone wants but only the jocks/girls who all the guys want ever get
• A nice space provided by the community where they can get togehter in a safe environment and just chill out
• For their peers to attempt to befriend them, so that they can in turn reject these offers
• To know how to make sugar bombs
• A fuckin' master
• Some dude probing their innermost thoughts in order to ingratiate himself to them
• The basement room of their house as a bedroom

�copyright 2002 all names used satirically under fair uses act 1998

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