Smudged-The UK's bovinist news source

Uri Geller Makes Fruit Juice from Just Water and Concentration: Public Deeply Unimpressed

TV stations across the world yesterday broadcast the attempts of the renowned psychic to create fruit juice from nothing more than water and concentration. Many had paid upwards of �1 million for the rights to the event, which Geller assured them would put him on a level playing field with Jesus, his final obstacle in his ongoing bid to become the most amazing performer of miracles of all time.

Geller had long claimed that he would one day match the celebrated 'water into wine' episode that has generally been accepted as the most impressive feat ever carried out on earth. Scientists sceptical of the psychic's abilities privately admitted that fruit juice produced from water and the power of the mind would be just as impressive.

The public, however, were left feeling distinctly short-changed as they watched Geller slowly pour his concentration into the water, the look on his face gradually changing to an approximation of orgasm as fruit juice was created.

One said:'No offence to the man or anything, but what he did out there, my five-year-old kid could have done. In fact, he did, just this morning when he went to make himself some squash'.

Personal friend of Uri Geller Michael Jackson, who sung his new single 'Testify' before the event, admitted that what Geller actually did on the night was 'suprisingly understated as miracles go', but tried to put a positive spin on proceedings:

'Although he might not have quite reached the level of Jesus yet' he said, 'it is undeniable that he equalled the achievements of another of humanity's greatest achievers today. Of course, by that I am referring to Dick Johnson, the first man to realise that extracting water from fruit juice before transportation and replacing it at the juice's destination meant cheaper haulage. Although, come to think of it, nothing that clever happened tonight, since he already had the concentrated fruit juice and just had to turn into into normal juice. But it was still impressive'.

Geller though appeared in jubilant mood as he proudly displayed the fruit juice, made from water and Walmart concentrated orange mixer, sipping from his glass as if he was sipping from the very elixir of life itself.

'And that's another thing', said one disgruntled member of the studio audience. 'When Jesus turned water into wine, he shared it with everybody at the party. Doing that didn't even enter this buffoon's mind'.

As he walked off stage, the audience were calling for Geller's blood. 'Pompus pirate' they yelled, a reference both to his arrogance and the way in which he had deceived them into paying upwards of �50 for a seat. Their chanting only seemed to make the smug grin on Geller's face widen, however.

BACK TO HOMEPAGE