Jeffrey Archer hit with life sentence, claims this will 'really give him time to work on his writing

Jeffrey Archer has been ordered to spend the rest of his life in a maximum security prison after photographic evidence of him breaking parole on several hundred occasions were submitted to coroners last wednesday. In concluding, the coroner said:'Many people will wonder about this verdict. They will think that the country probably has more dangerous people that could be incarcerated in scarce maximum security units. They may well wonder if transferring you to another prison will mean the scary possibility of another book of even more self-indulgent prison diaries. But frankly, I have no other option after such astonishing flouting of the conditions of your day-release'.

The coroner refused to uphold the defence's claim that Mr Archer could account for his presence within cambridgeshire for every one of the days in question, citing as his the fact that Mr Archer had previously paid colleagues to lie in the witness box.

He also chose to disregard evidence that a militant underground group called 'Mercilessly Pursue Jeffrey Archer for the sake of our children' had recently obtained 300 hundred Archer costumes from a custom manufacturer of costumes in Hull.

Holly Valance follows up astonishing records sales with week-long period of having sex with as much of the British public as possible

Pop sensation Holly Valance has taken a much-needed week off work in order to relax, and generally get out of the public eye a bit. When asked what she would be doing with her week, Valance replied that she would be 'having sex. All the time'. She continued:

'After a long period of working, I like to just go around having sex with as many different men as possible. Y'know, when my career is really flying, and my records are really selling, I just have to take a break and have sex with as much as the British population as I can manage. It's just my way of saying "hey, my music isn't everything. Sex is very important too"'.

R.Kelly - "If I could turn back the hands of time - then you'd be twelve again"

R.Kelly has admitted his fetish for sex with minors during a trial in which he stands accused of having sex with up to 4 girls aged between 13 and 15, but has slammed support agencies and relatives for failing to notice his pleas for help.

'For christ's sake', he moaned. 'How many times to I have to write about being captured by the innocence of a girl's love before you realised something was up. Did you want me to just come out and say that I enjoy sex with minors? Who am I supposed to do that to? My mother? So I wrote the songs. Writing songs is great therapy for the pain I suffered from my addiction, but you would have thought someone would have noticed what I was trying to say by now?'

�copyright 2002 all names used satirically under fair uses act 1998

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